– I remember I had a friend, he’s from Tanzania, and we ended up going out to this nightclub once, and he, we were in America, and there were these two loud chicks. And they were like, oh my god! You’ve seen it right.
Yeah, and they were dancing, you know. You wanna go tear a bar with me? (audience laughs) Yep, yep. And he sees it. There’s a pretty one, and the other one. (audience laughs) Yeah! And he looks at them, and this girl’s like, “oh, I love this guy!” And he’s like, “oh, these are angels!” (audience laughter) I was like, “Really?” And he’s like, “I’m going to talk to her.
She’s getting my cell tonight.” So he walks up to her, and then he starts talking, and this girl’s like, “Where are you from?” Americans always ask that question, And he said, “Tanzania.” And she’s like, “I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.” (Audience Laughter) Ahhh, right? So they’re in love, and I have to now be a good wing-man. So we’re back at the AirbnB, and they’re about to get it on, but the girl that I’m with is in denial, and she says, “You know what, nothing‘s gonna happen. We both have boyfriends.” And ten seconds later, you hear, (Comedian makes banging noise) (Does a monkey screech) (Sings intro to Lion King) Fucking Discovery Channel style. I’m like, “What do you fucking think that is, Animal Planet playing real loudly?” And she’s like, “I don’t know.” And because my friend’s religious, he’s gotta pray five times a day.
So he sticks his head out of the door, and he’s like, “Hey, I need to use the compass on your cell phone to find out which way is North.” (Audience Laughter) With a serious face.https://www.eventyas.com/UA/Kyiv/190698367694005/Быстрые-свидания-Спид-Дейтинг-Speed-Dating-Киев And I never hung out with him like this before, so I’m like, “Yeah, here you go bro.” And then he goes to the corner, and rolls down his prayer mat, and the girl he’s fucking just sits on the couch, and then sits real casually, and the other girl leans over, and she’s like, “What are you doing Sandy?” She’s like, “Have fun, we’re on vacation.” And meanwhile my friend‘s in the corner like, “AHHHH.” And I’m trying to watch the fucking Notebook, okay? And so he gets done, gives me my phone back, goes back to fucking, and the girl I’m with, something shifted in her, and I realized that men and women cheat the exact same amount if you looked it up, but men will lie to the women, and women will lie to themselves, because this girl, she says, “You know, things aren’t really going well with my boyfriend, and I’m thinking, maybe if I learned to be more intimate with him, things can improve.” So I was like, “Thank you for sharing that.” Still watching The Notebook, and she says, “Maybe you could teach me how to give a blowjob?” And I was like, “With a PowerPoint presentation?” She says, “No, I learn best by doing, so maybe I could practice on you.” I was like, “You realize that’s cheating, right?” She was like, “No, it’s just research.” I’m at a moral dilemma. But I wanna help my community, you know what I mean?
Like, some people volunteer, and dig wells, and I’m gonna teach this girl how to suck a dick, you know? So I took off my pants, and, you know, kept my shirt on so it felt more clinical, and I explained to her how to suck a dick, but as a dude, if you teach a woman how to suck a dick, you have to mentally put yourself in the dick sucking mode, you know, like, just do what I would do. So it’s kinda hard to do that, so I just play this porn, and I’m commenting on it like an ESPN sports announcer, “She goes from South to North, and she stays around the tip.” And she’s like, “Okay!” And she, I’m lying down, and she takes my dick, and just lifts it up, and starts moving towards me like real slow, like she’s docking in the International Space Station, (Makes docking noises) And she stops, and she freezes, and I had to give her some words of encouragement, so I’m like, “Look, just remember your training, okay?” And she starts, and she starts giving a blowjob, and she’s really bad, like teeth, molar, daddy issues, right? I was like, “AHHHHHH!!!” And, but, you know, she was getting it, and I was like, ‘My student needs to improve.
Like, she’s gotta get better.’ And I’m about to cum, not because, you know, like a lot of times women think, ‘Got a man to cum, count it.’ But men will cum if the wind blows in the right direction, so it doesn’t matter. So I’m getting there, right, and I told her, “Look, I’ll tell you when it’s going to happen.” And she goes, “Okay.” And I was like, “All right, this is it, I’m cumming!” And she takes my dick and points it right at my face. (Audience Laughter) I’m cumming and giving myself a pearl necklace at the same time. (Audience Laughter) This nice shirt that I wore to the fucking club is fucking black, and I had to throw it out! You can’t wear a black, cum-stained shirt to a nightclub with UV lights and shit! (Audience laughter) Hangout if you want a ticket grab with me.