October 22, 2020

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How To Forgive Someone Who Cheated On You Multiple Times | Paul Friedman

Relationships

How to forgive someone who cheated on you multiple times, and I’m going to address this to women. If you are a man then please write in to our counselors it’s free service and this will not be relevant to you and I know that there’s this big thing in the world about men and women are the same. They’re not the same, the statistics are not the same. Our experiences are not the same and so my answer is not the same for men as it is for women so this is for women.

In other words, how do I forgive someone my husband who has been unfaithful multiple times. My name is Paul Friedman, I founded The Marriage Foundation and we have a lot of experience in this area because a lot of women don’t deal with this the first time. The first time — it happens typically, the husband is caught cheating in whatever form and the wife confronts him and he says, Oh my God, you know blah blah blah blah blah” or, “How dare you look at my phone?” It’s the fight or flight it’s the defensive reaction when you’re caught and it ends with but, “I made a mistake and I’m never going to do that again and you can trust me.” So it does happen again. Sometimes he’s not caught for years or he’s toned it down for quite a while but he does it again so the question before we go how do you forgive him is why does it keep happening. And the answer is too simple, it’s because neither of you have changed so you’re the same people and the dynamics of your marriage have not changed.

I mean you could stop doing something that’s habitual for a while but eventually, the habit is caused by inner stuff that’s going to manifest again.https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/a-guide-to-dating-and-finding-love-during-covid-19.html And so, you got to understand that the reason for cheating is that the marriage is not functioning well. He’s not happy. You’re not happy either.

It’s not like everything’s been going the long hunky-dory and all of a sudden he’s cheating you know there’s something wrong and you think it’s okay because the world explains marriage in a really bizarre way. I mean think about it. There are books on how to argue properly in a marriage.

Why should you ever argue in a marriage? Why did you get married? To argue? No, you got married to be happy.

Well, happy, arguing is pulling you in two different directions. You cannot be happy while you’re arguing, “Oh, but that’s just life maybe.” But not in a marriage, not in a well-functioning marriage. You got married in order to be happy and the primary vehicle for happiness which is infallible works 100% of the time is love. So, there is not enough love in your marriage. Why not?

There might be a lot of attachment, there might be a lot of “I’m used to her”, “I’m used to him this” but real love it’s there. Don’t get me wrong. But what are you doing to make it manifest? What are you doing and make it what your marriage should be, the reality of your marriage?

And that’s why there’s cheating because that’s not happening so the two of you haven’t changed just because someone said, “I’m not going to do it again.” That doesn’t mean there’s any change just means that action isn’t going to maybe not happen again for a while. So now, we get to the how do I forgive them, because you want your marriage back and you don’t want it to be as screwed up as it currently is. You didn’t get married so your husband is cheating on you.

What does that mean if he’s cheating on you? He’s not your husband while he’s cheating on you so it’s a dismantling of this marriage that was meant to be an amazing thing and you can’t blame him even though what he did was wrong. He’s reacting to something that’s not right. Now everyone will tell you even the psychologists that cheating is not a reason for divorce.

Sometimes it is stated as the reason for divorce but it doesn’t happen just off the cuff just out of the blue. It happened because you’re not building your marriage, you’re not building the love. You’re not building the happiness because you don’t know how.

It isn’t your faults. I have this discussion with people all the time. I go, “So, did you learn how to balance a checkbook in school?” “No.” “What did you learn?” “A lot of stuff I forgot.” “Did you learn anything that’s really practical?” Now, if I’m talking to someone who ends up using math or using chemistry, yeah, it was a basis but most people don’t but practical day-to-day stuff you don’t learn in school including relationships, including gender differences, including biology as it pertains to how we operate in the world. In fact, there’s this whole movement of “don’t talk about them men and women are the same” which is so ridiculous but I don’t want to get off on a tangent.

The point is when you got married you did not know how to be married. There’s your basis for forgiveness. He didn’t know, you didn’t know. Now, the question is what do we do.

Put aside the forgiveness, put it aside. Put aside the offense just put it aside and commit yourself to learning how to be married and hold that over here for now. Maybe I’ll forgive him, maybe I won’t but let me at least learn how to be married. Let me see what I could do about building my marriage and then I’ll come back to this question of whether I forgive him or not. Why not?

How to forgive someone who cheated on you multiple times, and I’m going to address this to women. If you are a man then please write in to our counselors it’s free service and this will not be relevant to you and I know that there’s this big thing in the world about men and women are the same. They’re not the same, the statistics are not the same. Our experiences are not the same and so my answer is not the same for men as it is for women so this is for women.

In other words, how do I forgive someone my husband who has been unfaithful multiple times. My name is Paul Friedman, I founded The Marriage Foundation and we have a lot of experience in this area because a lot of women don’t deal with this the first time. The first time — it happens typically, the husband is caught cheating in whatever form and the wife confronts him and he says, Oh my God, you know blah blah blah blah blah” or, “How dare you look at my phone?” It’s the fight or flight it’s the defensive reaction when you’re caught and it ends with but, “I made a mistake and I’m never going to do that again and you can trust me.” So it does happen again. Sometimes he’s not caught for years or he’s toned it down for quite a while but he does it again so the question before we go how do you forgive him is why does it keep happening. And the answer is too simple, it’s because neither of you have changed so you’re the same people and the dynamics of your marriage have not changed.

Relationships

I mean you could stop doing something that’s habitual for a while but eventually, the habit is caused by inner stuff that’s going to manifest again. And so, you got to understand that the reason for cheating is that the marriage is not functioning well. He’s not happy. You’re not happy either.

It’s not like everything’s been going the long hunky-dory and all of a sudden he’s cheating you know there’s something wrong and you think it’s okay because the world explains marriage in a really bizarre way. I mean think about it. There are books on how to argue properly in a marriage.

Why should you ever argue in a marriage? Why did you get married? To argue? No, you got married to be happy.

Well, happy, arguing is pulling you in two different directions. You cannot be happy while you’re arguing, “Oh, but that’s just life maybe.” But not in a marriage, not in a well-functioning marriage. You got married in order to be happy and the primary vehicle for happiness which is infallible works 100% of the time is love. So, there is not enough love in your marriage. Why not?

There might be a lot of attachment, there might be a lot of “I’m used to her”, “I’m used to him this” but real love it’s there. Don’t get me wrong. But what are you doing to make it manifest? What are you doing and make it what your marriage should be, the reality of your marriage?

And that’s why there’s cheating because that’s not happening so the two of you haven’t changed just because someone said, “I’m not going to do it again.” That doesn’t mean there’s any change just means that action isn’t going to maybe not happen again for a while. So now, we get to the how do I forgive them, because you want your marriage back and you don’t want it to be as screwed up as it currently is. You didn’t get married so your husband is cheating on you.

What does that mean if he’s cheating on you? He’s not your husband while he’s cheating on you so it’s a dismantling of this marriage that was meant to be an amazing thing and you can’t blame him even though what he did was wrong. He’s reacting to something that’s not right. Now everyone will tell you even the psychologists that cheating is not a reason for divorce.

Sometimes it is stated as the reason for divorce but it doesn’t happen just off the cuff just out of the blue. It happened because you’re not building your marriage, you’re not building the love. You’re not building the happiness because you don’t know how.

It isn’t your faults. I have this discussion with people all the time. I go, “So, did you learn how to balance a checkbook in school?” “No.” “What did you learn?” “A lot of stuff I forgot.” “Did you learn anything that’s really practical?” Now, if I’m talking to someone who ends up using math or using chemistry, yeah, it was a basis but most people don’t but practical day-to-day stuff you don’t learn in school including relationships, including gender differences, including biology as it pertains to how we operate in the world. In fact, there’s this whole movement of “don’t talk about them men and women are the same” which is so ridiculous but I don’t want to get off on a tangent.

The point is when you got married you did not know how to be married. There’s your basis for forgiveness. He didn’t know, you didn’t know. Now, the question is what do we do.

Put aside the forgiveness, put it aside. Put aside the offense just put it aside and commit yourself to learning how to be married and hold that over here for now. Maybe I’ll forgive him, maybe I won’t but let me at least learn how to be married. Let me see what I could do about building my marriage and then I’ll come back to this question of whether I forgive him or not. Why not?

What do you have to lose? You have a lot to gain because I promise you as you start learning about marriages you start learning about your own mind which is part of the marital experience how to control your emotions, your thoughts. How to mold yourself into the person you want using your free will, all of that. Learn that stuff and then decide whether you’re going to forgive them or not. You’ll forgive them, I promise you you will but more importantly, you’ll barely remember because you’re going to be able to build the marriage that you originally envisioned even though you had no idea how you were going to get there.

I can show you how to get there that’s the point. I used to be a divorce mediator, helped so many people get a divorce. I don’t regret it because I didn’t know any better but I look back there’s not one marriage that I helped define as unmarried that I couldn’t have saved with what I now know and I want you to know what I now know so you can save your marriage, your family and be so happy that it’s ridiculous. Look at our stuff, go through our website. See what’s available.

It’ll amaze you at how approaching marriage in a positive way can change, will change your lives forever. That’s what I wish for you and I hope you’ll subscribe to our channel. I hope you like it, share it, other than that blessings to you, blessings to your husband, blessings to your family. Don’t give up. Take a new approach.

It will work. Okay, God bless.